When a child is being physically aggressive or verbally abusing others, it is easy to give in to the temptation to punish them for their behaviour. However, this can have the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve. Staying calm, naming the child’s feelings (e.g. “You are really angry right now”), and giving them space can help them to come down from their ‘high’.
Summary
Be aware that punishing a child for aggression can make things worse, so stay calm, name their feelings and give them space to settle. Children who freeze or shut down are not misbehaving but are overwhelmed and need a calm adult to be near them. Children need clear, consistent boundaries, and these need to be delivered with warmth in order for them to feel safe. A simple daily log can reveal patterns in a child’s behaviour that can be shared with other members of your support team.
Using Co-Regulation When a Child Shuts Down
There is often a misconception that a child who ‘freezes’ or ‘dissociates’ is behaving badly. They are not. They are overwhelmed with their nervous system and need you to be in a calm state. Sit near them, speak in a low, calm voice and do not ask them any questions.
Setting Boundaries That Feel Safe
By delivering boundaries with warmth and not with frustration they will feel safe. These need to be clear and consistent, you can explain briefly why you are setting that boundary and then follow through quietly and not angrily. Relationship-based responses are more effective than punitive ones (NICE guidance on antisocial behaviour and conduct disorders in children).
Tracking Behaviour Patterns
Using a simple daily log to track the child’s behaviour can be very useful to identify patterns. Many apparent random events turn out to follow a certain pattern. Recording the events, including the time, in the simple way as outlined above and sharing the information with your support team is very useful.
If you are looking for Therapeutic Fostering, see https://saferfostering.org.uk/therapeutic-fostering.
This work of responding to a child and their behaviour is very helpful to a child.
FAQs
What tends to trigger aggressive outbursts?
Aggressive outbursts in children can be triggered by a number of factors. These include tiredness, hunger, changes to a child’s daily routine and changes from one activity to another. Big changes such as a house move can also affect children. Our tips on telling children about a house move may be of use to you. Your daily log will often highlight the areas in which the child in your care is most affected by these triggers.
What should I do once the child has calmed down?
Reconnect with the child once everyone is calm. Be brief and simple when talking about what happened and reassure them that your relationship is still there and that you still care about them. This helps the child to learn that difficult moments will not bring your care for them to an end.
How can I look after myself as a carer?
Dealing calmly with aggression can be tiring so try to have short breaks and rely on your support network. Talking through issues with your supervising social worker or other carers can help keep you regulated, which in turn helps the child.
When should I ask for extra help?
Check with the child’s social worker, your support team or your GP if the aggression is escalating or causing risk to yourself or others. Sharing your behaviour log with them will give them a better understanding of the situation.